I was trying to understand what’s wrong with me lately… I always failed to find an answer, while my mind was in a terrible loop of things I can’t even solve.
Then I suddently realized the point is there’s no bond anymore. No bond with the life that’s running out of my windows, behind my back. No events to wait or see, it’s all so silent and still. And it’s nobody’s fault, I’m just not living here.
Paradox: Whatever keeps my feet on the ground, is far away from me most of the times.
I can easely spot most of my housemate’s life is spent at work, a place I can’t see and I rarely know what happens in.
And my life, is waking up and linking to a world that doesn’t, and will never really surround me. A bunch of things that would just disappear if I turn off the pc.
I always hated doing things I cannot share, but time isn’t on my side, world map isn’t on my side, life isn’t on my side. Life requires people to do things individually. To work, to worry, to get home late and tired. To use weekends to chill out.
I wish I could have you all around me and that’s all, I know I will miss you all when I’ll finally be once again alone, waiting for the end of the day to come, killing some time, praticing and studying when I’m in the mood, to share a meal and some jokes and some chats. To plan things to make it better.
Meanwhile, sadly realizing my life isn’t here anymore, is scattered everwhere yet nowhere.
And trying to kill this sense of loneliness doing anything, trying to involve anyone in just about anything, maybe pissing ‘em off a bit too.
I’m not about to sit and whine here forever anyway, if I was a bit more sociable and less aggressive maybe I could have easely fixed it, going out in this place forgotten by Gods and chatting with old people with a simple and judgemental mind who act as if their battery is low and annoy the crap out of me, waiting for something, anything intresting to happen.
But I’m not, and it shows. I’m glad when April will come, I’ll start attending those Japanese language classes, it will force me to go to Milan a lot more, and well, who knows, maybe I’ll have a bit more time to hang out with my beloved friends and lovers…
I could also buy another battery charger for my photo camera and start taking pictures around again. Strange things happened to me everytime I did it.
I want a way to escape this incredible lack of energies and amount of pointless anxiety, and I’ll make it. “With a little help from my friends”?