I d0n’t even know what use will I make ranting online about all this, it just sounds pathetic. But somehow I feel like venting a bit and I probably bugged my friends with my things enough to bore them.
Things are doing better lately. Really, a bit. I’m apparently stroke by a temporary moment of luck. No matter how still I don’t believe I am the son of that jackass, or my tooth started to hurt like hell even if now it’s better, I still have some moments of joy, precious. And calm, yeah, I’m really calm, usually. My mornings are fun, and I don’t feel that much alone anymore, sometimes, sometimes, it’s like something shines on the void, sort of, a bit.
And I don’t care if the laptop overheats, yeah it would be better if it didn’t. I want that online mame thing to work anyway, that would be great.
It doesn’t even matter if it seems like all my ex friends still hit my life as if they were my ex wives/husbands, especially ‘cause people still ask infos about them, I don’t know, I don’t want to know, nobody really believes so, it’s over, it had to be. And I still feel a bit angry about what happened, and I still hope at least they had the brain to face it. Or disappear, whatever, just stop trying to get things back as if nothing happened.
But really, it’s all ok, overall.
Still sometimes I feel like I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. For reasons I will never explain I’m worried like hell. And sometimes sad, a bit sad. Not too much, just that bit that seems to follow you under your skin.
‘cause I’m not able to share what I want to share, most of all, yeah it’s not really something to be sad about, but whatever, yeah, it does make me a bit sad.
Today I saw one of my very old reblogs on tumblr. I remember damn well what I used to think when I reblogged it. It said “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?” Oh, I tried that, I always try anyway, if I really desire something. I think giving up on something you think would make you happy is a huge crime against yourself, no matter how hard or impossible it seems.
But now I think I would just answer “win the lottery”. Seriously, lol, all the rest can be fixed.
I feel better already, I don’t really know what got me before.
Sometimes I think I can’t stand the way I always keep everything inside, even if it doesn’t look like it at all… I always talk talk talk, blah blah blah. Write a infinite serie of wall of texts full of nothing, and whatever really moves me, in a good or bad way, is blocked inside me and grows, no matter how self-evident sometimes it is, I just won’t spit it out.
This really doesn’t bring me any good results, so I’d better try and work a bit more on it. And stop ranting, really. I should delete all this and not even publish it.
But I’ll keep it as a note to self.
Like, stop bugging the internet with your nonsense and get over yourself, Kei.