I noticed, talking with a friend of mine, how extremely frustrating could be for some people to be in front of a very beautiful person.
Since the whole idea to write a post about it started from a specific issue, I must alert you it will consider self-esteem issues when it comes to being attracted to someone beautiful/charismatic only. Of course the issue is much more complex than this. Contact me if you need more information about some different areas of the matter.
I must specify, without being too modest, I used to be a very beautiful person myself. I think I still am somewhat, but I’m obese so for most people this effect faded away for the “Fat = Ugly” factor. In the past, anyway, I kind of suffered the reactions people had towards me, and whoever thinks they’re “ugly” really failed to understand what does it mean.
They only can say “I wish I was like you, how could you complain as if it was a bad thing?”
The truth is “beautiful” people are often targeted by jealous people, or “goal oriented” fan-people who really want them as a trophy or an ego boost (“I can get to know/hang around with/win the interest of/HAVE this person!!!!”), or get blinded by their appearance and never really want to get to know them any further. They often are mistaken for automatically arrogant or dumb, or superficial, or show-offs, especially if they take a very good care of themselves, and when it doesn’t happen, they often suffer the opposite idea, they got painted in very good qualities they never had, or with a pre-built sanctified idea some person who really appreciate their physical appearance projects over them. Either you get HATED, or LOVED for no reason, and sometimes both. In all this, the true you remains undiscovered and not really influential.
Some people don’t mind about it, some other LOVE it, I find it incredibly insulting and destroying instead. I never hated people I had around like I did when I was beautiful in a more “normal” way.
A lot of people used to say “But you have a beautiful mind anyway, so it wouldn’t hurt you being beautiful itself anyway”. Yeah I have a beautiful mind, but who cares? For real I mean, not ‘cause they’re attracted by some kind of non-existent idea of me. It made me deeply hate that kind of attention.
Anyway, my studies allow me to understand and try to explain it all comes from a very low dose of self-esteem from the other side. One must always keep in mind a low self-esteem is one of the century’s most dangerous diseases.
It can really turn everything difficult to live. It creates social anxiety to levels one cannot even imagine if they don’t suffer it. It generates too harsh views of oneself, to the point it might turn to self hate, or to try to hide or mask things people would most likely not notice or care about much instead.
When someone suffers from a very low self-esteem they automatically almost completely lose track of their effective worth. They are easily intimidated or attracted by charismatic figures, but it generates a form of panic ‘cause they always feel inferior for no “real” reason.
It’s like they lose the ability to judge whatever they’re attracted to as well, ‘cause they automatically think it’s something great. So much greater than them.
Depending on the kind of person, this form of distorted obsession can turn to two different faces of the same medal.
Feeling inferior to someone is not easy to handle. Our ego is automatically hurt, so it can either react trying to minimize or being hostile with the target of our admiration, so we can think we’re no less, or trying to elevate the target as a person who can teach us a lot, or hides a lot of wonderful secrets we would love to discover and learn from. After all the target is attractive, so it HAS to have something we don’t have and that justifies our attraction in a deeper way.
A huge deal of bullshit for something that starts with appearance only, isn’t it?
So for example you have a picture of an attractive person. You can react in 3 ways:
- Very low self-esteem reaction. Subcategory A: JEALOUSY – “Umph, they’re not that great, look at this small strange detail. Also I bet they’re stupid/an ass. I don’t understand how people can find this attractive.” Between the lines you can read a not very subtle “I am better”. But you don’t really believe it, you just want to think that. You want to HEAR that so you can think that. Subcategory B: I SAW GOD – “Look at them, I’ll never be so beautiful, I’m not worth them, they’ll never look in my direction, I am so ugly and awkward and dumb, and they shine.”
- Average, but still low self-esteem reaction: I CAN REACH THAT – “Well they’re really pretty. I’ll work hard to reach their level, I know I can, I’ll show them/everyone.”. – Notice: This might sound confident and constructive, but it automatically puts you in a lower starting position anyway, and in a position where you actually have to show something to someone. Really, what the hell?
- High self-esteem reaction: NO COMPETITION – “Wow, they’re really pretty!” and that is all there is. No comparison, no competition, you just happen to appreciate something that is not you without putting them on a golden throne and without trying to minimize them or “reach their level”. They are just beautiful. No harm to you, no harm to them, no harm to anyone.
I almost always react in the third way. But it happened I used to think 1 and 2 too. For the same person. Only once in a lifetime. It felt horrible. (Even tho I never been superficial enough to idealize anyone, I fell for a while in Subcategory B: I SAW GOD. Strike of weakness! It just… happens sometimes.)
I understand now it was dumb. And masochistic, and self-stopping. There is nothing like BELIEVING yourself you’re inferior to someone for making in happen for real, and creating more and more perplexity, bad experiences and hate. And stopping yourself a step behind them, with absolutely no chance of getting their idea of you on the right track. First impression is already set up, and it has been set up wrong.
I know it isn’t easy at all, but try, try and try everyday to fix your vision of yourself. Then you’ll finally understand we’re a bunch of scared and awkward people. Even the ones we think are not.
Get under the surface, avoid creating expectations BEFORE you do.
If you don’t, you can embrace some very bad results, and when you do you will feel either worthless, or a lot angry with your target. Please, don’t be angry, keep in mind YOU are the one who actually created the whole fuss. It’s nobody’s fault if they don’t meet your expectations about them, especially if these expectations are unnaturally and unreasonably high.
Don’t turn your very deep made up admiration in a very deep made up hatred. You don’t gain anything from that. You just misjudged someone, and there’s absolutely no shame in that, especially when a person, being very charismatic, is somewhat used to draw a very specific kind of attention, and trying to win it. I can assure you some of them are really able to look like someone great when they are not, it’s not only an impression in your head.
But still, there is a reason why you’re drawn to that kind of people, so you should start from there. You only want their attention ‘cause it would give you a reason to think you are worth them. You actually want to be, or feel like you are “like them”, or likable by “their kind”.
And I can assure you that no, you don’t really want to be like them, or liked by them. You just want to be the best you can be, and you have some troubles understanding that the best you can be is often a lot more than their misleading “shining” appearance.
And not only you are worth them, you are worth of much more of them. The only thing that doesn’t make it real is you actually don’t believe it.
You probably met a lot of jackasses who really were too harsh on you, or used to bring you down someway. Instead of reacting kicking their ass and making them disappear from your universe, you happened to believe them.
It’s actually normal, especially if one is insecure and concerned about other people’s opinion. But, starting from now, try not to believe them anymore.
You don’t need a “hot” jackass to shut them up. Just remember they attack when they feel small.