(Personal reflection, please don’t mind reading this if you don’t care, it’s a loss of time, really.)
I will probably love him forever, this is most of the reason why I had to take my distances, and keep them, despite talking to him was probably what took me out of my deepest depression, and I truly, truly care for him, admire him, and often wish I still had the same confidential friendship we used to have, if anything to know what’s up in his life, in his mind…
I know it makes no sense to read, it’s like “wtf, if you feel like this, just keep being close friends”, but even if my mind still is… Well…
Love, love is something complicated enough without having two subjects whose psychological problems would kind of make a relationship HARD, and without a situation where you absolutely can’t, and there’s no way to fix it, be there for each other for real. Most relationships fail even if you’re not a fixed-hour machine to stare at and to give the identity you prefer to.
Despite this, human nature is strange, and you can actually feel something strong for people you will never, never, never manage to see more than 2 or 3 days every fucking forever. Even if the real, the physical part of love cannot even be considered because who knows how chemical sides and non-verbal communication ones would react to each other…
Also, human feelings are kind of obsessive, and are able to underline, overreact and ruin all about anything good if they don’t get satisfied. So try to imagine a friendship with a person you absolutely adore, but you KNOW you don’t even make sense when you think you adore him. It’s like, it’s a fidget of your imagination built over some talks, some pictures, some moments you shared sitting down in front a pc. You KNOW you risk not to even being able to talk to this person in that so much different “reality”. So you know what you long for is not really even existing, because it gets out of your fucking mind, takes a shape you’re not even sure of, has a name you never even heard said by anyone else.
Imagine how would you react when you see that fidget of your imagination litterally putting in front of everything some kind of moron they idealize the same way you idealize them. And they have all the right to, because that moron is actually inside their life.
And you’re just a ghost in a pc, in a phone, in a faraway country, forever and ever, imagining his reaction to this or that thing you find in the streets he’d love to see – – and he’s just never there.
I cannot even start to describe how it’s wonderful, yet painful, it’s something that is absolutely mind blowing, how can two very different people from different corners of the world be so much of help for each other, yet… yet painful and not really helping because, well…
Even if you wanted to get your shit straight, who could ever compare with a person who is partly an image of your mind? Real, but a dream. There, but not there… Like a tale who can talk to you, confide you stuff, help you, play with you, do a lot of strangeass stupid things with you, fight with you, why not… Nobody near you could ever even compare.
But once you turn your pc off you’re alone, when you need him most, probably. You get out of your house, it’s a happy thing, and it’s always a happy thing you’re supposed to live without him. Not really that happy so? How about we stay in? How about we wait for this day to end so we can finally talk?
So stuff start to get a bit strange, yeah, very very weird. And everytime one of the two is not there is like they’re breaking a lifesaving habit, how dare him, why doesn’t he care? What did I do wrong? Why am I being put in the shadows for some random moron? Why are we fighting, will he hate me and leave me here alone forever?
No. That couldn’t go on.
Even so, everytime I see around some trace of him, because well, I kept my distance, but I still want to be there for him if he ever needed it, I can’t help but thinking, very proud, with a smile: “Well, there are his mad skills, his wonderful mind and his crazy attitude, that’s the man I truly loved… the prettiest star…”
I never even told to him how I felt with the right words, because it made no fucking sense.
And to think he probably thought I grew tired of him, oh that’s fun. On the opposite, I’m that kind of pathetic moron he’d probably hate… I could never grew tired of him, and well, life is a great paradox, so that’s exactely the problem.